Alone.

Every time i post i’m either over the moon or heart broken. there is never an in between.

I have one friend. No one else i ever feel has truly been there for me and cared for me. Im continuously putting in effort and trying my hardest to be the best friend i could be to people. i always respond as promptly as possible and do everything i can to help other people out.

I know i can be self centred and i try to work on that every time i’m out with people and ask more about them, but i end up just feeling like they don’t know i’m there and that i’m not really a part of the conversation.

One of my ‘best friends’ has gone and gotten an interview for the job i cried down the phone to her about when i got turned down for it (because i had one day off sick). True friends don’t do that, or if they do they don’t brag about getting the interview. Myself being a pure moron offered to even take her to the interview. My whole family, boyfriend and other best friend told me i was mental and don’t need to be that nice. but i wanted to be a good person. I even gave her tips for the interview and told her what they’re looking for and what the other candidates got turned down for. so i know she will get it. the interviews tomorrow by the way.

After being found crying by my boyfriend at 5am this morning about what a fuck up i am and my life is, i told him about her and that side of why i feel like shit. he told me to tell her i can’t take her tomorrow and to go out with my other best friend instead. i got a text back saying “Oh okay, why not? x” like why are you asking why? why cant you just understand i cant and leave it at that. I just told her i had college work.

Work wise things are crap. now she’s getting the job i wanted, whats the point? i wont get over time any more so i wont have enough for anything extra, i wont be able to pay back my parents and i wont be able to do fun stuff with friends in the future. Im never going to earn enough for any of that anyway.

The more work i do, or responsibility i take on, the more stress. I cant cope with stress. i’ll never be able to do more in life and be able to achieve more since i suffer from anxiety and let it control me. Any job i’ve had with an sort of pressure, after a few months i cant cope any more.

Ill never earn enough to support myself or go on holidays or have a family. ill never be able to afford anything nice. I watch my friends enjoying life and not worrying about money, and i envy it. i see Steve even, be able to spend money on a night out. but i know thats because he can afford to go out because he works hard. I wish i could work hard and still have time and money to go out.

My job takes over my life. trying to earn enough. and then when i do, i have to spend it on different things like a new passport (ill never use) or birthday presents and bills. Ill never earn enough. and it kills me. I don’t even pay half my bills now. imagine when i pay them all.

No one can help me, these are my own struggles. but the pounding headache i have every morning and evening, which keeps me up at night and causes tears when ever i’m alone, i don’t now how much longer i can cope with that.

——

i do think i’m to hard on some of my friends some times. like yeah they’ve been shit friends in the past but they never meant to hurt me. like no they couldn’t be bothered to give me a lift all the way home so stranded me at a train station or left me to get the bus. maybe they couldn’t be bothered to come and see me so i always went to theirs or worked around them. maybe they don’t text back for weeks most of the time. or maybe they let me down on my 18th and meant i sat at home for the evening. but i still had an ok night..

and they do text from time to time and when they’re free and think of me they ask if i’m about

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